Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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