question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
