I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Is it penis luge time yet?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
