it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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