Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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