Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
