I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
