i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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