i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
