just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
