Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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