I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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