I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
