If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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