hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
