You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
