listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
