Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
