i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
