Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
