I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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