Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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