the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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