We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today