I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
