I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
