just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
