I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
