I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
