You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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