I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
