I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
