I seem to have left my pride at pride
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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