New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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