Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
