We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
