This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
