I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
