it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I fill condoms, not promises.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
