I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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