girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
