My sheets look like a crime scene.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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