I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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