Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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