Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
