I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
