I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
