Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
