Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
