How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
