tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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