I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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