I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
