Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
